shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize