I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
