My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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