I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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