Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
false alarm. still invincible.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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