so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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