Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
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