my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
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