Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I want to be your penis for a week.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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