Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
