theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
