Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
