Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
