When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
