Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
