i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
