went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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