you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
