My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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