i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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