Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
