I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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