Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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