he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
