6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
