please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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