Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I stole a fireplace last night.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
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