my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
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