Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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