2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
