Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
