i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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