how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
