He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There r osticjed everywhere
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
