Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he thought i was a dude.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
