Slut skills are useful in every country.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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