My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
