if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
