I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Randomize
