My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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