just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He passed out mid-signature
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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