i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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