I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
