So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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