The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
