I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
