I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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