I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
