he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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