Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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