I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
